At first, I thought I was sick.  I actually ended up going to my doctor for an emergency visit a few months back because I thought I was having a heart attack.  My heart was racing, I was dizzy, short of breath, nauseous, and felt faint and disoriented like something was terribly wrong.  In the core of my being, I felt like something was awfully, terribly, horribly ... WRONG.  After a battery of tests for lung function, CT scans to make sure I didn't have tumors on my lungs, blood work, and an echocardiogram, I was relieved.  Everything checked out just fine. 

The person who did my lung function test thought maybe I should rule out GERD (gastro esophogial reflux disease) because his symptoms were identical and he ended up having GERD.  My doc prescribed some Prilosec for that and it seemed to be helping.  At least I don't have that awful heartburn anymore and can sleep on my side and bend over to pick something up without the seering pain in my throat.

I had been to my ob/gyn a few months back because I was having really irregular periods.  Sorry, guys ... I know that's gross for you but, for women, can signal a problem.  Everything checked out fine there too and he suggested that I was a bit young for perimenopausal symptoms (I'm 42).  He told me that he could test my estrogen levels but that wasn't a good indicator because they fluctuate so much from day to day. 

Fine.  I'm not perimenopausal, doc.  I just don't have a regular period like I have since I turned 13.  Right.  Okay.  I agreed because my sister, who's 10 years older, is just entering menopause and my Mom went through it around the age of 52 as well. 

But since then, I've added more symptoms to my strange affliction, including the "OH MY GOD, I'm having a heart attack" incident. 

I can't sleep.  I wake up every hour and have to throw the covers off because I'm burning up.  Five minutes later, I'm freezing cold again.  I'm wide awake at 4 a.m., having just gone to bed at 1 a.m.  I'm exhausted mentally and physically but still can't sleep worth a damn.  I cannot form coherent thoughts during the day.  Everything gets tangled together in one unmanageable heap of thought.  This is supremely unnerving because I've always been the queen of details.

I'm having hot flashes every few hours throughout the day and hourly at night.  I feel clammy and burning hot. 

My mood is not predictable.  I'm raging (and I mean RAGING) mad over the stupidist things and then ready to cry.  I feel out of control and unbalanced; probably like a person who's on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  I am not myself nor can I seem to control any emotion within me.  Sometimes, all of the emotions come at once and I'm left feeling so overwhelmed that I just want to lie in a dark room with soothing music.  Like that's going to happen at work.  Uh ... yeah. 

And I'm becoming increasingly paranoid about everyone around me.  And anxious ... oh, so very anxious about everything in my life.  This just isn't "me" and I know that but I was vexed as to what it could possibly be.  I really thought I was losing my mind.  And I was so physically dizzy all the time.  Almost like a slight vertigo had invaded my body with hearing loss to boot. 

I started reading up on menopause and they give you these check off lists to help you decide if you're perimenopausal or menopausal or something else entirely.  I checked off damn near the entire list.  AHA!  It all made sense to me!  Even the numbers of women who end up in the ER every year because they thought they were having a heart attack when it was really the onset of menopause.  (Evidently you have to be period free for twelve months to be considered menopausal).  I'm on my second month with no appearance of the little girl.  Every day, I feel like I'm going to get my period but nada. 

WHY don't we know about this phenomenon?  HOW could I be so clueless?  I was dumbfounded.  And relieved.  And felt that I should share my experience with other women (or men) who might be going through this hormonal upheave.  It's AWFUL!  Believe everything you hear and then quadruple that.  Of course some lucky women never have these problems, the bitches.  : )  My early entrance into this hormone craziness may have something to do with never having a child.  *shrug*

"Is it hot in here?  Or is it just me?"  has taken on a whole new meaning.  And God bless those poor souls that can't remember what they ate for breakfast or formulate a thought through the clouds of fog that enwrap their brains.  I can relate.  It's been happening, unbeknownst to me, for the past two years. 

I look in the mirror and see myself aging with every passing day.  It's true.  No ... really.  It is. 

I can see strange hairs on my chin and lip that I must religiously pluck.  I can see wrinkles where none were the day before that no amount of facial creams can cure.  There are now dry patches of skin on my temples that were never a problem before.  I can feel the water building up inside of me screaming to escape (which might explain why I use the bathroom 10 times a day -- crikey ... Theresa thought I was diabetic).  I can feel the bulges around my stomach and witness my body's unwillingness to lose weight even if I starve myself or exercise religiously.  It's all a terrible nightmare when you don't understand that it's all hormonal. 

I ordered some stuff called GABA that should arrive tomorrow.  Many of the women's websites recommended it for this situation.  Ah yes, the situation ... you know ... like LOSING YOUR FREAKING MIND ... that.  Situation. 

Hopefully, this post will help some poor soul in the same boat.  If you have any tips or tricks or just want to share your experience, please drop me a comment. 

I have to pee now.  Thanks for reading.